Balance, Everything, Live

Little Losses Everywhere. Dealing with COVID-19 and grief.

I’m awake in the middle of the night, that’s become the new normal. I sleep maybe four hours, five if I’m super lucky. I’m restless because I’m sad, and angry, and worried, and praying, at three in the morning.

Tonight I am awake grieving the loss of the end of the school year. And before you shake your head and say, there are lives being lost – there are worse things. I understand, and I’m saddened by it all, but I’m also allowed to grieve the losses in MY life and the disappointment for MY entire family.

It is my daughter’s last year in elementary which means we never get to return to her school. She also doesn’t get to experience any end of the year activities, and she won’t be able to say goodbye to friends. We also won’t get to see the staff and teachers we’ve learned to know over the years.

I don’t get to volunteer, or walk my girls to and from school. These are the highlights of my day, and they were sometimes the only spots of joy during my week. See, I have been working remotely for years, and sometimes the only people I would see were these parents, kids and teachers. I will miss that so very much.

I won’t be able to smile at the preschoolers toddling to class or the kids playing on the playground. Next year means middle school, and that also means distance from my girls. I’ve been dreading leaving elementary school for years, and now I don’t even get to say goodbye. I am heartbroken.

My eldest is in honors choir and choir. All of her performances, that she had been working towards, for the entire year, will not take place. She’s not even sure what it all means, but she knows she is sad and mad.

She also works very hard to get straight A’s, and she is disappointed she won’t get to attend her award ceremonies or receive a “black” card for her accomplishments. I worry about her mentally too. She is an extrovert who is driven by the energy of others, and being behind a screen all day is already taking it’s toll. Ten more weeks of virtual classes seems like a long time to a teenager, especially for one who loves school, her teachers and her friends.

We all feel out of control and nothing seems normal. We are all sad and angry and mad. I understand we will come out of this, but we won’t be unscathed. We will mourn these losses, even though we don’t even know what it all really means, or what our future looks like. And it’s ok to say we are scared and lost.

I say all this not to get sympathy, but to validate everyone’s feelings of loss. I encourage you to allow yourself to feel however you need to feel. And I especially encourage you to be kind to others as they mourn their losses.

Please don’t tell anyone they shouldn’t feel the way they do, that’s not going to help. Tell them you are sorry, and you are there for them. We must lean on one another to get through this crap. If we are all truly in this together, we need to allow one another to be true to ourselves, and grieve however we see fit.

Sending all my love, and support, to everyone grieving, and hoping you are all healthy.

xo Becky

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